Referral & Waiting

On Oct 21st we got the call we had been waiting for!!  A 4 month old little girl was ours...well almost.  We have been hustling to finish our homestudy update, and get all the necessary documents to all the important people in time for our MOYCA court date in May.  We are so thrilled to have a new daughter in our family.  But now, we wait.

Waiting is hard. Its exhausting. Some days I will find myself just staring into space, waiting for time to pass so we are a little closer. It can be crippling. Since the day I saw her face for the first time things have been different. I was so excited when we recieved the call. This was the moment I had waited 3 years for. And then we shared the news with friends and family, and then we waited again. We had to do more paperwork of course, it wasn't that there was nothing to do. It was just hard to do it. I thought I would be more modivated to jump through the various hoops, sign on all the lines, and get all the forms notorized, but I wasn't. Seeing her face, it was a deal maker for me. Everything else seemed to stop. Was the paperwork all worth it? If she was the "reward" at the end, of course! She is worth it. But I just want her now. I am over the paperwork. I am done jumping though hoops. I am tired of waiting, and dreaming, and planning, and preparing. I want HER. I do trust that God has a plan and is in control. But, that doesnt make me feel like at least half of this waiting is nonsense. There are kids that need families, and there are families waiting years for them. Families that have been approved on all kinds of levels to be safe and more than qualified. Seriously, $30,000 and 3 1/2 years? I'd say that is a bit overboard. At that rate we could never ever solve the orphan crisis in one country, much less the world. I'm tired of waiting. I want my girl. I get pictures and videos and my heart soars, for a minute. And then I am sad. MY girl is being fed by someone other than me. Other people are taking pictures of her, rocking her, dressing her, making her smile. Thats my job. I'm her momma. Shes playing with toys on a floor in Ethiopia in a transition home, and our floor is ready for her. Our hearts are ready for her. What's not ready? The paperwork. The Politics. I dont want to wait anymore. Im tired of waiting. I want my girl.

Rapido

In the last week there have been about 6 referrals for infants (I honestly have lost track there were so many)!!  That is straight up insane.  For real, we have been doing this for 2.5 years and I don't think there have ever been that many.  When we started the process there were about one a week.  But 6 in a week is movin!  Our social worker says that other agencies she works with have had a flood of referrals lately too.  There must have been a group of sweet kiddos that were just not paper ready in Ethiopia, and just recently they all became ready.  We have a conference call with our agency tomorrow, so I am anxious to hear what they will say about it.  We are now 10th for a boy, 12th for a girl, and 3rd for twins (all unofficial, but pretty accurate).  We let our immigration paperwork and fingerprints expire b/c we didn't want to have to update yet again (things were moving so slow that it was a definite possibility).  Well, now we are scrambling to get our home study updated so we can apply for a new I-600A (yada yada, numbers and names you don't care about unless you are in process).  I think that things will slow down again, but it takes about 3 months to update this paperwork, so we need to hustle to make sure that its current when we do get a referral.  I can't wait to see that little face.  Will it be a little boy, or girl?  Will they be walking or too little?  I think that this burst of referrals has renewed my hope in this process and helped me start dreaming again.  I think at times I wondered if it would ever happen.  I had to shut down my emotions almost, b/c I didn't know how to function in everyday life and be here, and also always be there too.  I almost think I have been a little numb.  I feel like it has effected my walk with the Lord as well though.  My heart has been turned off, and I have had trouble tapping into it during worship.  Awake my soul!  I am trying to trust God with the timing of all things in our life right now, and the potential changes that may happen in the next few months.  We would appreciate your prayers as well.

From Two to One

We applied to the Ethiopia program to adopt 28 months ago.  We finished our paperwork and have been awaiting a referral for 18 months.  This past October we began discussing the idea of concurrent adoptions since things had slowed down so much on the international front.  So, now for the past 7 months we have been waiting for a domestic infant adoption.  To say that I have felt really lead to one specific area of adoption, or a certain location, would be a total lie.  Jon and I have both felt felt like we were grabbing at straws on this journey.  We read the scriptures about our call as Christians to adopt the fatherless, we felt the conviction, and we acted.  We have heard stories of people having dreams about there being a child in a certain country that is theirs that they need to go get.  Or stories of people who knew someone who had an unplanned pregnancy and they just ended up with a baby in 3 days.  I think that is fantastic!  Way to go!  But for many people, us included, God's plan for our adoption wasn't that clear, and it certainly isn't easy.  I keep wishing there was some of that receipt paper, you know the old school kind from the big clunky adding machines, that would just spiral down from the heavens with the specifics of our adoption plans.  Heck, with all the Lords plans for us!  Wouldn't that be so nice?  To know we were making the "right" decision, and living in the "right" place, and adopting the baby that was meant for us.  But, sometimes its just not like that.  In fact, it usually isn't for us.  I find myself praying for guidance, and then it always comes down to the fact that I have to act.  I have to go and do.  I am yet to see the glorious paper in the sky come down in times I have to make the right decision.  In fact, can I just say, that the idea of having peace when we make the right decision isn't always the case either.  Don't we often pray for peace when making a decision so we can feel comfort in knowing it was the right one?  I am not saying God can't give us  peace that passes understanding in very difficult times.  I absolutely believe he does.  But, I am saying that when we decided to adopt I struggled with major anxiety.  I feared that I couldn't actually do it, and that maybe this was a sign from God.  And then I realized, adoption is hard.  A lot of things we are called to do are hard, and as humans our reactions are not always perfect.  I almost quit the process b/c of my lack of peace, but I don't think it was from God.  I think it was my sinful self fearing the unknown and not wanting to get out of my comfort zone.  Well, all this to say, we started concurrent adoptions.  And we just ended one.  We have decided that we don't feel like there is a need for us right now domestically (at least in the private infant sector).  Did we think there was 7 months ago?  Yes.  Could there be still a need?  Possibly.  We just feel like we could be chosen in front of a family that is struggling with infertility, and we don't feel comfortable with that anymore. We don't know all the answers.  All we can do is our best with the information we have at the time.  We feel a bit foolish, but all I can say is that we don't have it all figured out.  We never have in fact, and I am pretty confident we never will.  Life has been a learning process, and it definitely continues each and every day.  We look forward to adding to our family a child from Ethiopia, if that is what the Lord wants.  I think it will happen, someday.  It may still be a while though.  But that's OK.  And if something changes again in the future, which I am sure it will, we will just go with it.
Liz